


Erosion

by breatherepeat



Series: Learning to love yourself [5]
Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Alcohol, Comfort/Angst, Coming Out, Established Relationship, Family Issues, Implied/Referenced Sexual Assault, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Introspection, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Self-Acceptance, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Reflection, Sexuality Crisis, breakdown leading to the breakthrough
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-03
Updated: 2019-09-04
Packaged: 2020-10-06 03:57:43
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,426
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20500502
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/breatherepeat/pseuds/breatherepeat
Summary: In the vast openness of the desert Dan allows himself to processes more of the past to help him move toward the future. A future where he learns to gain back the control he thought he lost by destroying negative thoughts from the past.The end of the Learning to Love Yourself series.





	1. Chapter 1

There is something about walking around in the heat and the dirt of the desert that pulls at some primal need inside humans. On the surface it seems rather boring in today’s world of instant gratification and high-speed internet. But there is something about being in nature that is calming. Something about knowing that the area you walk on has been there for centuries and will continue to be there for more. It was formed without humans and it could care less if humans continued to walk it. It just was. 

Dan longed to just be. To just exist in a space without conscious thought. If even for a few moments. To just turn his mind off and be content with just being in the space. To just be content being himself. 

The closest he had ever come outside of Phil’s arms was being in that desert. 

Maybe it was because he felt like he was on some hero’s journey through the land field of his mind. Or that the idea of ten years felt monumental and it felt appropriate to be introspective. 

Or that he felt like he was letting that boy in that room down if he didn’t finally sort this out for them. 

They hiked and saw everything Martyn and Cornelia wanted to explore that day. Martyn and Cornelia guided them through what to bring and what to watch out for, with what animals and plants that could harm them if touched. 

The heat and the physical exertion was intense but the adventure was worth it. 

Following their adventure through the vast openness of nature, the foursome decided on ordering in food to their rented house and Martyn and Dan went to buy spirits. Dan talked Martyn into buying more than the four could possibly drink, but Dan pointed out that they could afford it and it was their holiday after all. 

They ate their dinner outside around the pool. Dan unconsciously decided he wanted to get everyone drunk, and then he proceeded in doing so. 

Cornelia tapped out first, stating she was at her limit and needed rest. Guiding three men through the desert was hard work and she wanted to be ready for the next day. 

Phil attempted to tap out, but Dan would not let him. He went on about enjoying the moment and that they would never have the day back again, so they needed to spend as much time in it as possible. Dan told Phil to drink more, but Dan was so intoxicated that he hadn’t realized that Phil had switched to water about an hour beforehand. 

Dan was an entertaining drunk. The alcohol tamed the monster in his head and he was able to say things without thinking through them. And, his topics varied so he never bored his audience. He had shared many thoughts on the current state of music, why veganism was needed but if they didn’t find good ways to make cheese from plants it would never be sustainable, and the political culture of the United States to name a few. 

Once he started to lose his coordination, Phil decided to step in and gently guide Dan to bed. Dan pushed away Phil’s hands as he stated he wanted to stay outside with the armadillos. He went on about how they have a protective shell, like a Cloyster, and they can hide from their enemies. He then continued to state he wished he had been a Cloyster when he was a teenager. 

Martyn knew some of Dan’s experiences growing up, but he did not know as much as Phil. Dan, if he was sober and in control of what he was saying, wouldn’t want to burden Martyn with the true experiences of his upbringing. It was private. 

“It would have been nice to have that shell when those laddies would look at me like I was theirs to play with.” Dan stood up too quickly from his chair he had fallen into after Phil attempted to get him inside. Swaying before he found his footing, he continued with his story. “‘Hey gaywad, want to suck my cock?’ and then shell activated. ‘Eat my spikes!’” 

Dan mimicked the movement of the shell surrounding him to protect him and the spikes shooting out, with Dan attempting to curl himself in a ball and making noises to indicate spikes. He was too tall to fully wrap himself up and he ended up just bending himself in half. Which threw him off balance and he fell onto his hands and knees to the hard cement surrounding the pool where they sat. Too similar to falling years ago. 

He didn’t feel any pain and he just started laughing. That loud, uncontrollable laughter that takes people over and they don’t stop until they have tears in their eyes and they are almost hiccuping for air. 

Martyn asked Phil whether he should leave the pair alone. Phil told his brother to stay in case he needed his help moving him, or fishing him out of the pool Dan was dangerously close to now.

Once Dan quieted down and was only letting out soft laughs every few seconds, he rolled onto his back and stared up into the night sky. It was clear and the sky was gorgeous. The stars were bright and scattered, which would have made for a beautiful scene if Dan hadn’t spent the last year digging through memories of the past. 

Laying on his back and staring up into the night sky, Dan was taken back to a time where he laid in a field ten years ago. Kieran stood near him with his pants undone and the rest of them close by but too far away to stop Kieran from doing what he did. 

Dan was glad he now had a new memory to replace that ugly one. He was successful and independent, with a loving long-term boyfriend that was just waiting for things to settle until they could get married. He had a business and plans to buy a house in the future. He was everything he didn’t think he could be when he was that scared and lonely boy in that first video. 

Now he had a new video where he was strong and vulnerable. He wished that scared and lonely boy could have watched that video, instead of the other way around. 

“It is fucking gorgeous out here.” Dan shouted into the quiet night. “Martyn, we need to move IRL here. We will move here and buy this house and live this night over and over.” 

“That sounds like a lot of work.” Martyn smiled at Phil before he answered. Martyn was drunk himself but in far more control of himself than Dan laid on the cement ground a few centimetres away from falling into the pool. “You prepared to tell Kath that you are stealing away her baby boy?”

“Nah, she can come too and bring her lovely husband. Phil and I will give them grandbabies.” Dan stretched out his legs and arms, with one arm hovering over the pool. “And my brother. He would like it here. He could do all his athletic perfection shit here. My mum and grandmother could come too. And, of course, Colin. Phil? Phil?”

“Yes, dear.” Phil stood and moved closer to the edge of the pool and Dan. “I’m right here.” 

“Do you think he would come?” Dan asked raising his head to met Phil standing over him. 

“Who, dear? Your brother? Or the dog?”

“No.” Dan laid his head back down, forgetting to answer. The stars really were amazing tonight. 

“Your father?” Phil sat down next to Dan’s knees and touched his thigh to get his attention. 

“Yes.” Dan turned his head away from the stars to find Phil again, surprised that he was now closer and it was easier to see him. He could feel his hand on his leg and it felt nice. Warm and comforting. Just like his Phil. 

“I don’t know, love.” Phil knew that Dan and his father had a brief phone conversation before they left for the United States. He also knew that Dan had sent all of his family, including his father, pictures earlier that day. 

“I don’t know if he would want to come. He might see me kiss you and I don’t know if he wants to see that.” Dan turned away from his beautiful Phil to see the beautiful stars. 

“I don’t know, love. Maybe he could handle it. My dad warmed up to it.” 

“Phil, my father is not your father.” Dan laughed too loud and then went suddenly serious in realization. “And good thing because otherwise it would be very wrong to want to eat your ass right now.” 

“Dan, Martyn is still out here.” Phil swatted his leg and turned toward his brother blushing. “I’m so sorry. He is in a mood tonight.” 

“I’m going to head in. Cornelia is probably already hogging the bed.” Martyn smiled to his brother and gathered his things. “Let me know if you need my help.” 

Dan heard the door shut to the house and lifted his head to look in that direction. “Oh, did he leave?”

“Yes. It was time for him to go to bed. It is probably time for us to go to bed as well.” Phil reached for Dan’s hand but it was pushed away.

“I was going to ask him a question.” Dan laid his head back down and moved his arms back out so that he could feel like he was flying again. If he could fly, then he would never drown. His right arm landed in the cool water and Dan jumped at the feeling. 

Phil distracted Dan away from his thoughts by asking him what the question was that he needed to ask Martyn. 

“Whether straight guys really like to have their ass licked.” Dan kept his hand in the water and turned his attention to the light moving across the pool. The pool was deep. “I can’t ask any of our straight friends. The internet lies. And porn lies.” 

“I don’t know if that is a question I want you to ask my brother.” 

“Maybe I could do a poll on Twitter? Though our demographic doesn’t have much males.” Dan put his hand fully into the water and focused his attention on how the water surrounded it. “Maybe we need to find more males to watch our stuff. Maybe we would have to make more videos for that to happen.” 

“Maybe. Dan, you cannot make a Twitter poll about eating ass.” Phil watched Dan as he appeared transfixed by his hand in the water. 

“Okay.” Dan continued to watch his hand under water. “I wanted to eat Kieran’s ass. Before...you know.” 

“Yes, I know.” Phil swallowed as he remembered Dan telling him the story, Dan hid underneath Phil’s shirt and Phil not allowed to touch him. 

“I thought that might make me gay then. I didn’t hear any blokes talking about getting their ass licked. It must have been a gay thing.” 

“I don’t believe it is just a gay thing. It feels good because of the nerves there.” 

“That isn’t what I mean.” Dan moved his hand deeper into the water so that his wrist was now getting wet. “I thought about eating Kieran’s ass and the sounds he would make. And then I touched myself in that room. That boy in that video touched himself in that room to things that were gay. And then...that boy felt disgusted with himself.” 

“That boy was going through a lot. He didn’t know that it was natural what he was feeling. What he wanted.” Phil put his hand back on Dan’s thigh, his focus on Dan’s face. But Dan was still staring at his hand underwater. 

“And then I found you. And you taught me that it was okay to love a boy. You taught me it was okay to touch a boy. I got to hear your noises and you helped me get off. I loved that you loved that too.” 

“Did you ever feel disgusted after we did those things? After I touched you or you touched me?”

“Not when we were doing them. It was more when I thought about it in that room when I was alone again.” 

Phil moved his hand up higher on Dan’s thigh, trying to get his attention away from his hand in the water. 

“I really don’t like that room, Phil.” 

“You don’t have to like that room.” 

“I hate what Kieran did to me. That was a very shitty thing to do to someone that was gay too. He humiliated me and reinforced that all those things I wanted were wrong.” Dan felt himself sobering up a bit. “You asked me if I forgave him. I don’t think I have. He messed me up in ways I didn’t even realize at the time. God, if it wasn’t for you…” 

Phil kept his hand on Dan’s thigh and continued to watch Dan with his hand in the water. 

“I would have been miserable. Probably married a lady to make my dad happy. I would have finished law and dedicated the best years of my life to being someone’s bitchboy in a law firm. Inevitably, I would act of those gay feelings. Probably in secret. Go to those clubs like the one we went to and hook up with random guys. Guys that wouldn’t care for me, or if they did, I couldn’t do anything about because I would have the wife and kids to think about. I would have been miserable.” 

“What happened when you went to the toilet in that club?” Phil squeezed Dan’s thigh with what he hoped was a comforting gesture given the topic they were discussing. “You never told me.” 

“I was flirted with, which was fine because that has happened before. But then I saw Kieran in his face and those things I just said, I felt them all at once. I was in a gay club getting hit on by someone that was perfectly nice but I could never have the confidence to do anything with.” Dan slowly raised his hand until it was just barely under the water and then pushed it back down again. 

“Did you want to have him?” Phil’s grip lessened but he kept his hand on Dan thigh. 

“No. My head is just messed up and I’m being contemplative. It feels like a big year for me. A big year for us.”

“It has been. I’m very proud of you. Of us.” Phil smiled at Dan and then looked around the place they were at. Phil of the past would have never imagined filming a video and posting it on the internet would lead to all of this. 

The still silence of the desert night surrounded them, with only faint sounds coming from the water pump of the pool. 

“Phil, I feel like I’m drowning.”

Phil turned his attention quickly back to Dan and found he was still laid in the same position, Phil’s hand on his thigh and Dan’s hand in the water. “You aren’t. It is just your hand.”

“No, in life. I keep feeling like I’m drowning and the worst part is that it is shallow water. All I have to do is sit up and I will be fine. But I can’t make myself sit up.” Dan’s hand sunk further into the pool. 

“Dan, give me your hand.” 

Dan took his attention away from his hand in the pool. Phil was sat next to him with the hand that was on his thigh reaching out toward his hand. Taking Phil’s hand in his left, he felt Phil pull him up. His right hand dragged through the water behind him until it rested on the edge of the pool. 

Phil moved his body closer to Dan’s hips and leaned his head against Dan, so that the sides of their heads were pressed together. “There. You are sitting now.”

“I don’t know if I want to be a YouTuber anymore.” Dan closed his eyes at his confession. It had been in his head for awhile but he didn’t know how to tell Phil. 

“You don’t have to be a YouTuber anymore if you don’t want to be a YouTuber.” Phil rubbed his head against Dan’s and squeezed his hand tighter. 

“But I like that we do that together. What if we don’t do that together anymore? What if we get separate lives and you find someone new?” Another confession that hurt Dan to say out loud. 

Phil used his free hand to turn Dan’s face up to look at his and kept his hand there. “Never going to happen. I’m in this for the duration, remember.” 

Dan tried to keep eye contact but it felt like too much and he turned it back to the light moving across the water. “I forget sometimes. Or sometimes my mind doesn’t let me believe it.” 

“Let’s get it tattooed on you.” 

Dan turned his attention back to Phil and smiled. “What will it be?” 

“I don’t know. Nothing cheesy. Maybe just my name, or our name together.” Phil returned the smile and squeezed Dan’s hand again. 

“What will be our name together? Maybe I want to be a Lester.” Dan’s smile increased as he moved his head to rest against Phil’s shoulder. 

“Maybe I want to be a Howell?” Phil kissed Dan’s ear and then rested his head against the back of Dan’s. 

Dan shook his head slightly against Phil’s shoulder. “Nah, we are a bad lot. Too many issues.” 

“Don’t be like that.” Phil whispered into Dan’s ear. “Don’t be so mean to yourself.” 

Dan rubbed his head against Phil’s shoulder again before moving back to look into Phil’s eyes. “I’m really trying to be more nice to myself. Old habits, though.” 

“You are. You say nicer things about yourself now.” Phil kissed his nose and then moved back. “Things I always believed about you.”

“Goddammit, Philip Lester, don’t make me marry you right here.” 

“Do it. Marry me right here. Right now.” 

Dan looked down at their joined hands and then back to Phil’s eyes. It was something they had talked about before. Something they had planned on always doing. They had the rings, but both agreed that it needed to be the right time. Dan wanted to be out to his family and Phil wanted to be out to his extended family. They both wanted to be settled and secure that it was what was best for them. “Aren’t we a little drunk for this? Aren’t you supposed to get drunk in Vegas and then get married. We are not quite there yet.”

“Who said we can’t make up the rules? Just like the YouTuber thing. There are no rules, Dan. We make up the rules.” 

“There is no one here.” Dan gestured around the open area. “No one to witness it.” 

“Does that mean it never happened?”

“No...We don’t have the rings.” 

“We don’t need the rings. There are no rules, Dan.” 

“Okay, so do it.” 

Phil moved the hand that was not joined with Dan’s up to rest along Dan’s jaw. “I, Philip Michael Lester, take you, Daniel James Howell, as my husband.” 

“I, Daniel James Howell, take you…” Dan moved his right hand up to rest along Phil’s jaw and laughed when Phil jumped back.

“Damn, your hand is cold.” Phil laughed.

“Sorry.” Dan wiped his hand against his jumper and rubbed it quickly against the material to attempt to warm it up. Resting it back along Phil’s jaw, he continued. “Philip Michael Lester, as my husband.” 

Phil smiled as he leaned forward and gave Dan a gentle kiss. 

“So that is it. We are married now.” Dan kissed back and then rested his head against Phil’s forehead as a wave of tiredness washed over him. 

“Yup. You are stuck with me now. No going to gay clubs to pick up men that will never love you like I love you.” Phil closed his eyes and swayed their bodies a bit. 

“I don’t want those men. I didn’t want that man. It was just a metaphor for something I was feeling.” Dan swayed with Phil and allowed the worries of the day to leave him. 

“I know. I know because you are sat here with me now and we just got married in a desert in America with armadillos as witnesses.”

Dan stopped their swaying to look back at Phil’s eyes. “I love that we are weird.” 

“I love that you are you.” Phil kissed Dan’s forehead and then his cheek before pulling on Dan’s hand to stand them up. 

“You already have me. No need to flatter me.” Dan attempted to help Phil help them both up off the cement. He still felt drunk and it was hard to stand, with Dan leaning his weight against Phil. The pair stumbled a bit and almost fell into the pool. “We need to go to bed.” 

“Yes we do.” Phil stood them straight and then squeezed his hand as he guided them toward the house. 

“How’s the head?” Martyn whispered as he walked into the kitchen the next morning. 

“We drank a lot of water before bed and took some tablets.” Dan lifted his eyes away from his coffee. He sat slouched against the kitchen table. “But it still feels like a hammer hitting my head.” 

“Where is Phil?” Martyn poured his own mug of coffee and joined Dan at the table. 

“He is still asleep.” Dan smiled into his coffee remembering what they did last night by the pool. “My husband needs his rest.” 

“Husband?” Martyn raised his eyebrow as he pulled his mug away from his face and set it on the table. 

“We decided to get married last night.” Dan rested his mug against the table as well. “So we did it, by the pool. Married each other, I mean.” 

“God, you guys...don’t tell Cornelia this. She is going to start pressing me if she finds out.” Martyn went back to his coffee. “Hey, what is a cloy...ster?” 

“It is a Pokémon, why?” Dan asked sipping his coffee. 

“You said you wanted to be one last night. Something about it would have been useful when you are a teenager.” Martyn laughed. “And then you demonstrated going into a ball, I think. And something about eating spikes? You almost landed your ass in the pool.” 

“I was pretty drunk.” Dan shook his head and winced at the movement. Taking another drink, Dan remembered something else he did last night. “Did I say I wanted to eat your brother’s ass in front of you last night?” 

“Not that I want to be reminded of that, but yes. You did.” Martyn groaned into his mug. 

“Sorry about that.” Dan blushed. 

“It is okay. You seemed...kinda off last night. You okay?” Martyn finished his drink and waited for a response. 

Dan thought about his response before answering. “I’m getting there.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The final breakdown leading to the breakthrough.

Getting a phone call in the middle of the night is never a pleasant experience. A million worst case scenarios rush through your head and you are sure that your whole family is dead. Hearing the special ringtone you set for your mother in the middle of the night is even worse.

Having finally found his phone lying on the hotel table near their bed, Phil grabbed it to answer before it woke Dan up. They both stayed up way too late the night before and they were looking forward to finally sleeping in. From muscle memory, he pressed the right button to answer the call. "Mum?"

"Yes. Care to explain to me why I received a text from your brother that stated, and I quote, 'Be sure to tell your youngest, and his new husband, congratulations'?" His mother's tone was annoyed and she was heated. His mother rarely became heated, especially at him.

Dan was still asleep behind him, his hand on Phil's hip, underneath his pajama bottoms and pants. When Phil moved to reached for the phone, Dan's head fell into the middle of his back. Dan must have had a tough time falling asleep last night, with Dan typically seeking skin to skin contact when he was trying to sleep after being unsuccessful on his own.

Since he didn't respond right away, his mother started into another inquisition. "Did you get married at one of those Elvis impersonation chapels? Is it even legal for you to get married in a country you don't live in?"

"Mum, it wasn't like that." Phil attempted to lie back but Dan was behind him preventing him, so he turned further to the side and switched hands to hold the phone to the ear that was not on the pillow. "We just..."

"You do realize that there are very few moments that a mother gets to share with her grown child? A wedding is one of them." His mother continued, with her voice speeding up. "I pictured that day since you were a small boy. You changed a bit of the script when you started dating men, but I was still meant to be in that script! And your father...do you know how hurt he is going to be when I tell him?"

"Mum, are you finished?" Phil's tone was gentle, knowing that he was treading on uneven ground.

"No, young man, I am not _finished_. You don't get married without us." His mother huffed into the phone. "End of!"

"Dan and I did not get married in Vegas. We did not get married in a church or a legal office or a government building." Phil felt Dan's hand start to move on his hip and Dan start to dig his head into his back indicating he was waking up. "We made some promises to each other around the pool of a rented house. He was intoxicated and emotional, and it felt right."

"So you are not married?"

"Not legally, no." Phil felt Dan's hand move further toward his middle, dangerously close to the hairs leading down further into his pants, and Phil brushed it away, moving it back toward his hip. "When that day comes, and it will come, we will have you there."

"That is all I ask." His mother sighed. "Parents are meant to be at their children's weddings. Unless they are dead. Then God help them."

"Mum, do you have any idea that time it is here?" Phil felt Dan moving around behind him more, grunting likely at being woken up to Phil on the phone.

"I don't mind what time it is there. I received a text from my son saying that his brother had gone and done something that would break this mum's heart."

"You are still cross with me?" Dan's hand was now moving upward toward his chest and hugging him back against Dan's chest. Phil relaxed into the touch and hoped his mother was almost done shouting at him for something he did not do.

"Maybe." His mother's tone changed, probably having realized how ridiculous she sounded that she was still upset about something that didn't actually happen. "You said Dan was emotional? Is he alright?"

Phil paused. His mother was someone he never lied to but it didn't feel right to share what Dan had been working through without talking to him about it first.

"He has been better." Phil hoped that would satisfy his mother enough. "Mum, I love you, but can I call you later? It is around 5 am here."

"If you must. I love you. Tell Dan I love him and that I wish him better days."

"I will." Phil and his mother said their good-byes again and Phil ended the call.

"Your mum?" Dan buried his head into the back of Phil's neck as he spread his hand across Phil's chest, brushing against his nipple on his left pectoral muscle. "Everyone alright?"

"Yes. My brother might need medical attention soon, but everyone is fine." Phil threw the phone down at the end of the bed and raised his hand to cover over Dan's hand on his chest. Closing his eyes, he hoped to go back to sleep. They had wandered the city and entered various casinos the night before. His brother and girlfriend left them for another adventure, claiming Vegas was too commercialized for them. Vegas held a special place in both Phil and Dan's heart, so they were more than happy to see the other two off for some time alone. A small holiday alone before flying home.

"Any particular reason?"

Dan's warm breath moved across the back of his neck and shoulder, making Phil shudder and press back against Dan's chest. Moving his leg back, he brushed it along Dan's and sighed into his pillow. He was tired and wanted to sleep, but if Dan wasn't going to allow him to sleep, maybe they could do something else.

"He told Mum that she needed to congratulate us on our nuptials. She rang me cross that we dared do that without her present." Phil continued to brush his leg against Dan's and raised his head back, opening up his neck to Dan in a silent invitation. They had yet to consummate the promises they made to each other two nights ago. With Dan too intoxicated the first night and the pair too excited to explore the city the second night. "I told her that it wasn't what she thought it was and she didn't miss anything."

"What wasn't it?" Dan stilled his lips against Phil's neck and raised his head waiting for the answer.

"You know, like a real wedding." Phil sensed Dan was misunderstanding what he was saying. "That it wasn't the real thing. No church bells and white little chapels."

"If that wasn't real, than what was it?" Dan removed his hand from Phil's chest and moved back across the bed to the other side. Leaning against the headboard, he waited for Phil to turn and answer. He was fully awake now and his heart was beating too fast. His eyes fixated on Phil's back and watching his movements.

"Please don't be cross with me as well." Phil reached for his glasses and almost dropped them before he was able to put them on. Turning on the bedside light, Phil rolled over and mimicked Dan's stature on the bed. "I cannot take you and my mum both being cross with me at this hour of the morning after barely sleeping."

"That was real for me. What we said to each other, that was real." Dan allowed himself to find Phil's eyes, puffy behind the glasses. The bright light of the bedside light casting a shadow on half of his face. There was stubble around his mouth and along his chin and his hair was a mess. He was beautiful and he was breaking his heart. He wasn't supposed to break his heart. He promised he wouldn't ever. That was what those vows were. A promise to never leave him. They were more real than any piece of paper could ever be.

Phil pushed the covers off of them and walked on his knees to Dan's side of the bed. Straddling his legs, Phil pressed his chest and lower half tight against Dan's body. Phil moved his hands from Dan's chest up against his neck until the were resting on the back of Dan's head and the headboard of the bed. Dan's hair fanned out through his fingers but he didn't grip it. Looking down and waiting for full eye contact, Phil confessed once he had it, "I will tell you this until the end of time if I need to, but listen to me. I love you. I have always loved you and will always love you. I cannot believe how lucky I am that you took an interest in me forever ago and stalked me until I noticed you. Back then, I couldn't believe that someone like you could be interested in me. I couldn't let myself believe it because I was falling so hard, so damn hard for you. You stole my heart and I don't think you realized how easy it would have been for you to absolutely crush me. You forget that it was hard for me to trust people then as well. I had been hurt before and I never felt anything near as close for them as I had felt for you. People never understood me like you did. They thought I was weird and strange but those were bad words. You taught me that they were wonderful words. I learned to trust you. I learned to trust that you were not going to hurt me. We grew up into adults together. We created this amazing, wonderful world together that is ours. Do you understand how rare that is? Why would I ever want to leave what we have? I wouldn't be able to survive it. Not having you. Not having us."

Phil paused and saw the tears starting to swell in Dan's eyes, just as they were in his eyes.

"You have all of me and it is scary for me too because I see how you doubt this at times. And it makes me think that maybe that monster in your head is going to win one day. That it will tell you not to trust this, not to trust me, and you will listen to it and leave me. That terrifies me. I hate that you had to have those people in your life that made you lose faith in yourself. I hate that they broke you down to the point that you cannot trust that you are worthy of love and kindness, just like everyone else is worthy of those things. But selfishly, I know without those experiences and people in your life, we likely would have never met. You would have never sought the distraction of some weird, lonely person on the internet. I would have never been able to love you. And that terrifies me more. You said you would be a secretly gay man married to a woman and looking for love in gay clubs. I would have been an openly gay man searching for someone to understand me. I would have likely continued to get hurt and I might have gave up all hope. I would have let the anxiety and doubts get the best of me and live alone with a dog I was allergic to but at least would love me unconditionally. You were the one that taught me to have confidence in myself. When I said I take you as my husband, that was for me as well. I need that reassurance that you are mine. That you will love me and never leave me. And that was for us. Not my parents, not yours. Just us. You say that you are my number one fan but you forget, I'm your number one fan too."

Dan continued to hold eye contact as he leaned upward, narrowing the gap between them and finally closing his eyes when he felt his lips against Phil's. Wrapping his hands across Phil's lower back and pressing him closer, he raised his hips as Phil opened his legs more so he was flush against him and deepened the kiss. Slowly raising his hands up Phil's back, Dan leaned further into the kiss, making Phil lean slightly backward as Dan's hands supported him.

Phil tightened his grip on the back of Dan's head as he leaned down and kissed with just as much passion as his words, his hips grinding down to meet Dan's hips. Breaking the kiss after a few minutes, Phil moved his hand to take off the glasses and throw them near where his phone had ended up. Phil could see Dan's face clearly because of how close they were, with Dan's eyes still wet from before. The rest of the room was a blur and Phil allowed himself to enjoy the limits of his eyesight for once, because he was able to see the only thing that mattered. Dan in front of him loving him just as much as he loved Dan.

Their intimacy had increased in the past few months to the point that every touch held a very significant meaning. It wasn't just a mutual want between them, it was a mutual need. Dan's therapist attempted to explain healthy relationship dynamics to them but it never seemed to apply. They needed one another and were better as one rather then two halves of a whole. They were committed to one another.

Dan's hands moved downward to move underneath Phil's pants and grabbed his ass, his neck straining upward to meet Phil's lips. In a quick movement, Dan moved Phil onto his back and laid himself on top. Phil's hips were spread wide, with Dan fitting between them. Dan pressed their groins back together again. Their kiss continued and the want increased between them, with both attempting to prove their commitment to one another with their bodies. It was a familiar rhythm they continued to perfect with one another over the years, with the past few months increasing their communication and rhythm with one another. It was everything both of them never thought they could have, with both very protective over the bond they shared.

Later that day, after both had woken back up to their naked limbs entangled with one another, Phil told him he had a surprise for them. He made sure to tell him that the surprise did not include Elvis or a little white wedding chapel before Dan would even ask.

The surprised started with mini golf and would end in a smash room.

"You said you wished you stood up to them then. While you cannot go back, you can smash some shit today and pretend like it is them." Phil said with a smirk as they entered the next part of the surprise. An attraction where they put you in a room filled with useless objects and you could destroy them. "It will be cathartic."

After suiting up and taking a picture, Phil turned back to Dan. "Just imagine the objects are every comment that went your way that mentioned your sexuality or every unwanted look they gave you. Every statement your father made to you about your hair or how you dressed. Every person that watched it happen to you and never stood up for you. Kieran's hands on you and how he made you feel in that field. Every night that you fell asleep crying because you never thought it would change. Every time that you wanted to tell someone that you loved me and didn't need to find a girlfriend. That monster in your head. Imagine it is all of that and fucking destroy it."

"Is this really going to help?" Dan looked around the room of outdated objects and heard that monster Phil spoke about in his head tell him it still had happened and he couldn't change the past. And that he was not a violent person. He would get nothing out of destroying things.

"Only if you let it help." Phil made eye contact through their helmets. "Remember, there are no rules. You want it to help, you go make sure it helps."

Dan was hesitant with the first swing, allowing the doubt to take him over to the point he didn't use his full force. However, as the bat hit the VCR, the force of the vibration went up his arms and it charged him.

The next swing came harder and it left a big hole in the middle of the VCR.

That boy in that video was inside him screaming as Dan swung, loud enough so everyone could hear him in that town.

The next swing knocked the VCR off the table and Dan looked up to find Phil. It has hard to see him through the protective helmet, but he knew he was seeing it.

Dan turned back to the rest of the room just wanting for him and he swung.

He swung for the unwanted comments and the looks.

For the boy that knocked him down in the hallway.

For the boy that pushed him against the wall and touched him without consent.

For the ones that had punched him and pushed him.

For the ones that had threatened him.

For the bruises he had coming home from school.

For the face his father made when he wouldn't look at him and then for the one he made when he finally looked at him only to declare that his son could never be a word he couldn't even say.

For the days he wanted to breakdown to his mother and tell her everything that was happening to him. For her tears and her sad eyes.

For the days his grandmother knew something was bothering him but he lied to her face.

For the nights he cried himself asleep because he couldn't stop the thoughts that boys had pretty eyes.

For the disgust he felt when he finally gave in to his teenage desires and touched himself thinking about a boy.

For Kieran's face... and Kieran's hands in his hair holding his face against his erect penis.

For the night he tried to kill himself to only stop himself at the last minute due to the thought of his brother waking up the next morning and finding him hanging from the door to his room.

For the thought of his grandmother and mother crying over his casket and his father not even able to enter the room.

For the thought of the day Dan would wake up and Phil would no longer be next to him.

He swung and destroyed all those thoughts and memories.

He swung for that boy in that room in that house in that town that was still inside him.

He swung for the man he had become and the one he wanted to continue to grow into.

Afterward, the room was a wreck and Dan was struggling to catch his breath. But he wasn't drowning. He was in control. He had put himself in control.

It was the same feeling he had when he posted his last video, and the day he called his mother and told her the truth.

It was the feeling he had when he read the text from his father that said he was proud. And the day after his brother told him he knew all along, when he held Phil's hand in front of his brother and he didn't panic.

It was the feeling the first time he kissed Phil and the first time Phil told him he loved him.

The feeling he had when the world they created was big enough to plan a whole world tour, and people came.

The feeling he had when he walked around Pride for the first time as someone that belonged.

The feeling he had when they sat around the pool and promised themselves to the other.

The feeling he had when Phil looked into his eyes that morning and calmed every fear he ever had about Phil leaving him alone.

It was the new feeling he had when he looked at himself in the mirror after Phil and him consummated their vows to one another that morning.

It was a feeling of pride he had for himself.

And dare he say, a feeling of love for himself.

When you are going through a breakdown and there is a chance of a breakthrough, grab it with both hands and make it happen. Cry. Purge yourself of all the negative emotions weighing you down. Fucking swing and destroy shit if you need to.

It is a personal journey but you will likely need help along the way.

However, know at the core, it is yours to exhume, to process, and to sort out.

Because the feeling of that breakthrough, once you work for it, is fucking amazing.

Deal with the exhaustion.

Find your equilibrium.

Don't listen when others enjoin you.

Be brave enough to be exposed for who you really are.

Allow the erosion to wash away all the negative to find your core.

The core that is worthy of love and acceptance, even from yourself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This series is dedicated to anyone who was ever treated like an "other" or like they were not worthy of love and acceptance. For anyone who was never taught that our inner voice has been inside of us from the beginning and it just needs some liberating to get out. For anyone who is still learning to love themselves. 
> 
> Thank you for taking this journey with me. I appreciate all the hits, kudos, and comments.


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